please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
