ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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