oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
