if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
