just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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