i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
