sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
