He uses pillows to masturbate.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
