i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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