shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
