i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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