nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
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Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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