What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
my liver is dry heaving
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