you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
