i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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