textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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