Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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