My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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