i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
