I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
