He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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