i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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