I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
