It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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