the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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