I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
