I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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