i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
