neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Please don't give away my fajitas
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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