She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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