Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
