Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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