my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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