Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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