you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
