no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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