Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That accounts for only three of the penises
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
