my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
