I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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