Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
