Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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