I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
