I just cut my nipple shaving
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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