wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
