I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
