I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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