Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
