things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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