Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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