If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
