I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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