onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
