I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
