dude i'm inner monologue high
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
