she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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