how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have already put on my inside pants.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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