if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
